Well, I must admit that I am pretty shocked that it was 3 moths ago that I posted anything related to my tragedy. The last 3 months (or so) I have been visiting Idrys’ resting place at least twice a week. It is about 25-mins away from where I live and I would spend at least 20 minutes or so when I am there. I love going there on my own. I have no idea why I go so often. But I do know that it is the only place I could go to and forget about all my troubles but the heartache doesn’t seem to get any lesser. The cemetery is my solace. I feel trapped in my world right now – a world where everything feels like they are against me and my family. A world where everything I touched turn into misery. I have not been myself since this all happened – can anyone blame me? Which means I have not been able to go back to work for the longest time. Ironically in a couple of months time I will be leaving the job that I could not (or do not have the strength) to go back to.
I’ve been dealing with my loss the last few months. Up until recently, when I started my therapy that is, I start to realise the amount of loss I have had to deal with since I was a teenager. They’re not just the loss of lives but also materials, jobs, relationships etc. Every loss I had experience had to happen in the most outrageous or tragic way with no explanation as to how I was at fault or to be blame for it. When I loss my dad at the age of 16 and losing my grandma in the same year, I had no support. No counselling, therapy etc. I was expected to ‘deal with it’. The same year I had to sit for my GCSEs and imagine how difficult and traumatising it was for me.I felt like it was a ‘punishment’ for me for being a naughty child (but was I even THAT naughty?). I remembered one of my proudest moment living on this earth was my grandma told me once that my Dad had visited here and told her how proud he was of me – something he never said to me directly. But that was ok. It was enough to make me feel accepted and alive. Then he left me and my family. For good. Before I could get over that grief, my grandma passes away. Since then I just kept on going – probably that was the way my body could deal with that kind of shock and coping with a loss.
When my husband lost his job, it did not happen in a small scale. No. It had to happen again in the most brutal and tragic (plus humiliating) way. 20 years worth of hard work, sweat and determination went down the pan overnight because on one person’s reckless behaviour. The past 3 to 4 years we’ve been struggling as my husband could not find a job nor has he been bringing in any income. I never imagined life would get so difficult. But then tragedy strikes again with Idrys. This is the point that I start to question what was it that I had done so wrong that the universe is ‘punishing’ me and my family? To let us experience the heartbreak and trauma with Idrys was just ‘an icing on the cake’ which seriously have pushed me to my limits. I have nothing left in me to fight for anything. I am broken. Extremely broken. No amount of AD can help make me feel better on what happened. So universe, if you’re listening, please I beg you, as a mother who still has her two incredibly lively and energetic children, stop all the negative energy you’re sending to me and my family, look after my baby Idrys and just please give us back the life we used to have.
Mommy is broken my dear Idrys. You will forever be in my heart.
No one can tell you how to grieve for the loss of your baby. No can even tell you not to cry over the loss of your baby. But that’s exactly what happened to me. I was constantly told by an elderly relative to stop crying over the loss of my son. Even at the cemetary on the day we buried baby Idrys, she was there telling me not to cry. It has happened so often that I had to not cry and when I don’t cry, she then assumes I’m ok. I wish I could just scream at her and say “I am not ok!”. How can I be ok?? It’s only been 3 weeks since I said goodbye forever to my little boy. Is 3 weeks to soon to be ok? Who knows. There isn’t a set time in a grieving rule book to say you should be ok by a certain number of weeks, months or year….My husband seems ok but I know he’s not. But the fact that he doesn’t cry as much and seems ok makes me angry and frustrated. I don’t want to see him ok because that makes me feel like I need to move on and be ok too. And I do dread the day I am actually gonna be ok because I’m petrified that would make me forget baby Idrys and the whole experience. Why would I want to remember my dreaaful experience you may ask? Because to me that experience validated Idrys’s existence in this world albeit for a very short time.
The last 8 weeks had been torture. Having to pit on a brave face and not able to tell people I was pregnant and after losing him, not able to speak about our experience to most people as I would break down everytime I do.
My husband and I went out last night to see a movie. We figured that would take our mind off things for a couple of hours. BUT, everytime I laugh or enjoyed myself watching the movie, I felt the pain and heartbreak creeping back in. I felt sick for not feeling sad and crying. I was surrounded by pure guilt, as though I had forgotten my baby. Earlier today I decided to do something spontaneous and cisited a gallery. I was relieved that I got on the tube and got ro my destination. But when I gor there, I felt lost. I had no sense on direction or purpose for being there. I cried. all the way back to the train station and all the negativity that is happening in my life right now found their way into my head and emotions on top of all the hurtful and sad feelings I already have in me from losing baby Idrys.
Three weeks on and it still hasn’t got easier.
Hope you are happy where you are my beautiful boy.
Mommy is trying to stay strong for your brothers and missing you so much xxx
If like me, those who had gone through a similar diagnose of Edwards Syndrome, you may have already searched the internet for some kind of support and answers. Chances are you will stumble upon forums, chat groups etc on parents sharing their story and supporting other parents. Nonetheless no one will understand the level of pain you endure as we are all different individuals.
I do not want to ignore nor forget that my husband shares the same heartache as I too. Never have I witnessed the extreme sadness and pain in his eyes and especially after he laid our baby boy to rest. He was a broken man. What I really want to highlight in our blog is no matter what age your baby was born/died, either in your womb, full term etc, the pain is just as deep. Dads experience the pain too especially when the baby is wanted. I knew how he tried to ‘detach’ himself from the situation at first, but you can’t. You just can’t because for dads’, they are losing their precious baby too.
It’s hard for us not to talk about it. We talked about it right from when we were told the news for the very first time. We still cry every night before we go to sleep. We knew there was nothing we could do or have done. The impact of losing a child happens to both parents, both mothers and fathers. Of course as a mother I would be suffering different due to pregnancy hormones etc but I also acknowledge that my husband has a strong sense of parental responsibility and care towards our unborn son. Both equally painful and heartbreaking to live with. Living to know that you will lose you child no matter what you do is just horrifying and immensely unbearable.
Daddy is doing the best he can to get through this, Idrys. We all are. There is no way you will be forgotten. We are hoping we can through this pain for losing you by remembering you in every way possible. Even your brothers are missing you.