No one can tell you how to grieve for the loss of your baby. No can even tell you not to cry over the loss of your baby. But that’s exactly what happened to me. I was constantly told by an elderly relative to stop crying over the loss of my son. Even at the cemetary on the day we buried baby Idrys, she was there telling me not to cry. It has happened so often that I had to not cry and when I don’t cry, she then assumes I’m ok. I wish I could just scream at her and say “I am not ok!”. How can I be ok?? It’s only been 3 weeks since I said goodbye forever to my little boy. Is 3 weeks to soon to be ok? Who knows. There isn’t a set time in a grieving rule book to say you should be ok by a certain number of weeks, months or year….My husband seems ok but I know he’s not. But the fact that he doesn’t cry as much and seems ok makes me angry and frustrated. I don’t want to see him ok because that makes me feel like I need to move on and be ok too. And I do dread the day I am actually gonna be ok because I’m petrified that would make me forget baby Idrys and the whole experience. Why would I want to remember my dreaaful experience you may ask? Because to me that experience validated Idrys’s existence in this world albeit for a very short time.
The last 8 weeks had been torture. Having to pit on a brave face and not able to tell people I was pregnant and after losing him, not able to speak about our experience to most people as I would break down everytime I do.
My husband and I went out last night to see a movie. We figured that would take our mind off things for a couple of hours. BUT, everytime I laugh or enjoyed myself watching the movie, I felt the pain and heartbreak creeping back in. I felt sick for not feeling sad and crying. I was surrounded by pure guilt, as though I had forgotten my baby. Earlier today I decided to do something spontaneous and cisited a gallery. I was relieved that I got on the tube and got ro my destination. But when I gor there, I felt lost. I had no sense on direction or purpose for being there. I cried. all the way back to the train station and all the negativity that is happening in my life right now found their way into my head and emotions on top of all the hurtful and sad feelings I already have in me from losing baby Idrys.
Three weeks on and it still hasn’t got easier.
Hope you are happy where you are my beautiful boy.
Mommy is trying to stay strong for your brothers and missing you so much xxx