Well, I must admit that I am pretty shocked that it was 3 moths ago that I posted anything related to my tragedy. The last 3 months (or so) I have been visiting Idrys’ resting place at least twice a week. It is about 25-mins away from where I live and I would spend at least 20 minutes or so when I am there. I love going there on my own. I have no idea why I go so often. But I do know that it is the only place I could go to and forget about all my troubles but the heartache doesn’t seem to get any lesser. The cemetery is my solace. I feel trapped in my world right now – a world where everything feels like they are against me and my family. A world where everything I touched turn into misery. I have not been myself since this all happened – can anyone blame me? Which means I have not been able to go back to work for the longest time. Ironically in a couple of months time I will be leaving the job that I could not (or do not have the strength) to go back to.
I’ve been dealing with my loss the last few months. Up until recently, when I started my therapy that is, I start to realise the amount of loss I have had to deal with since I was a teenager. They’re not just the loss of lives but also materials, jobs, relationships etc. Every loss I had experience had to happen in the most outrageous or tragic way with no explanation as to how I was at fault or to be blame for it. When I loss my dad at the age of 16 and losing my grandma in the same year, I had no support. No counselling, therapy etc. I was expected to ‘deal with it’. The same year I had to sit for my GCSEs and imagine how difficult and traumatising it was for me.I felt like it was a ‘punishment’ for me for being a naughty child (but was I even THAT naughty?). I remembered one of my proudest moment living on this earth was my grandma told me once that my Dad had visited here and told her how proud he was of me – something he never said to me directly. But that was ok. It was enough to make me feel accepted and alive. Then he left me and my family. For good. Before I could get over that grief, my grandma passes away. Since then I just kept on going – probably that was the way my body could deal with that kind of shock and coping with a loss.
When my husband lost his job, it did not happen in a small scale. No. It had to happen again in the most brutal and tragic (plus humiliating) way. 20 years worth of hard work, sweat and determination went down the pan overnight because on one person’s reckless behaviour. The past 3 to 4 years we’ve been struggling as my husband could not find a job nor has he been bringing in any income. I never imagined life would get so difficult. But then tragedy strikes again with Idrys. This is the point that I start to question what was it that I had done so wrong that the universe is ‘punishing’ me and my family? To let us experience the heartbreak and trauma with Idrys was just ‘an icing on the cake’ which seriously have pushed me to my limits. I have nothing left in me to fight for anything. I am broken. Extremely broken. No amount of AD can help make me feel better on what happened. So universe, if you’re listening, please I beg you, as a mother who still has her two incredibly lively and energetic children, stop all the negative energy you’re sending to me and my family, look after my baby Idrys and just please give us back the life we used to have.
Mommy is broken my dear Idrys. You will forever be in my heart.